after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
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I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
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