who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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