i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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