where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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