Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize