Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
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I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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