Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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