so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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