You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
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He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Come on in and take your pants off
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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