nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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