i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
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You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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