So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
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He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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