tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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