I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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