I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize