yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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