I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
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It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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