He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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