What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
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Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
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I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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