Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize