There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
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the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
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Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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