it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
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All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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