How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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