somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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