well I can't set my house on fire every night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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