And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
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He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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