Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We were destined to go to rehab together
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize