i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
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We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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