I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
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We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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