my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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