i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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