So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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