so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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