you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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