i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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