I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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