I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize