You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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