Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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