when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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