I like my sex mixed with concussions.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
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I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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