My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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