Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize