i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
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in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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