I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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