Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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