I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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