I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
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The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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