a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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