tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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